«Another drug conspiracy featuring the key figures of the music industry revealed. February 29, 2001 The U. S. Food and Drug Administration banned the use of an extremely harmful to its abusers substance, which is guaranteed to take to the extreme depths of pleasure everyone who takes it. The name of this XTC of the new millenium is BADADOL. This unprecedented drug is qualified by the experts to be a tremendous hallucinogen, brain activity stimulator, dopamine analog, Viagra substitute, orgasm generator and inspiration booster all in one, which makes it the best drug the human mind has developed…»

Several «wow!!!»s in the studio, someone takes off to see his drug dealer. Jane hesitates for a second, but continues:

«The plague of BADADOL abuse is taking over the planet as no one really cares about it’s minor after effects, which include temporal blindness, the desire to piss every 30 seconds, hay fever and overuse of nasal consonants in the speech of the drug takers, among which can be found the man of the year 2000, a controversial rapper Eminem and his protege, the English beauty Dido. Let’s see this evidential video:»

Pissed off up and and stoned to death Dido sits on the john as in Eminem’s «Stan» video, her nose is running, but now we can hear clearly WHAT she really sings:

«…my tears grow cold I wonder why
I ran out of BADADOL
the morning rain clouds up my window
and I can’t see at all…»

Cut to studio, Jane, a bit scared, continues:
«Among the celebrities that have been proved to use this substance are such people as Elton John, who, ass you all saw, manifested his addiction during the last Grammy Awards ceremony:»

Elton John, on stage, playing the piano and singing the same lines.

«The drug has not just appeared out of nowhere. It has quite a long history of more than 15 years, which has now been traced. This time Colombian drug Mafia seems to be completely beaten as the BADADOL comes out of Russia and dates back to the times of USSR, Cold War and Iron Curtain. A product of a highly classified military research, it has been severely used by Russian translators employed in film dubbing business during the Perestroika times. As the Iron Curtain dropped, the former USSR was flooded with western movies. As the translators capable of producing high quality translations with the necessary speed were not numerous, the volume of the work was immense, and the budgets of the underground studios that pirated and dubbed the movies were so limited, that they had to let the person who translated read all the parts during the dubbing itself. BADADOL boosted their abilities to that extent that they were capable of making high quality real time translation after watching the video only once even if the movie was in an unfamiliar language.»

The scene from Terminator were Arnie says his famous «I’ll be back!» We hear his voice at the background, but someone speaking Russian says: «Jah Jeshjo Berdus!!!» much louder.

Jane smiles: "For those who are interested: «I’ll be back» in Russian is: «Ya yescho vernus».

The TV zaps to another channel, as the one who’s watching seems to be definitely bored.

Egor Kunovsky